A closer look at the Oedipus complex

The Oedipus complex is a stage that many parents dread. And in truth, few people really know what it involves — other than having heard countless times that a child must pass through it calmly.

But what is this theory really about? It is worth noting that it is not universally accepted amongst psychiatrists. And even more so today, as gentle parenting calls into question frameworks it considers anxiety-inducing.

Regardless, whether the theory holds true or not, some children do, at a certain point, show a marked preference for one of their parents. The question is how to respond. We will therefore offer some advice on how to navigate these periods as calmly as possible.

The Oedipus complex: what is this theory?

It was the Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud who developed this theory — partly, it should be said, based on his own personal experience. According to him, children develop, from the age of 3, an unconscious desire to seduce the parent of the opposite sex. And this continues until around the age of 6.

Moreover, this desire manifests itself through seductive behaviours. Admittedly, in very young children, this varies from one child to another. Some little girls will want to hug their daddy very tightly, while others will want to kiss him on the lips, imitating what mummy does.

The same applies to boys with their mother. This concept was developed from an ancient myth.

The myth of Oedipus

According to Greek mythology, Oedipus is the son of a king. An oracle had predicted that if the king had a son, that son would kill him and then marry his mother, the queen. When the couple had a son, they decided to abandon him to prevent the prophecy from coming true.

However, the child was taken in and raised by others, and as an adult he set out to find his biological parents. During his journey, he had a confrontation with a man whom he killed, not knowing that the man was in fact his biological father.

Events then led him to marry the queen, with whom he had children. Freud drew a parallel with young children and their unconscious desire to make the same-sex parent disappear and to have an exclusive and intimate relationship with the opposite-sex parent.

The Oedipus complex in everyday life

In day-to-day life, we are — fortunately — very far removed from the Greek myth. But it is not always easy for parents to deal with their little one's jealousies during this period.

But what exactly are we talking about, you might ask? In practice, it could be a boy who shows his displeasure when his daddy gives his mummy a cuddle.

With some young children you will notice a sulk, whilst others will express it directly by telling you that mummy is theirs. Some may even repeatedly hit their father. In any case, do not dramatise the situation, as this would only serve to make your son feel unnecessarily guilty.

How should parents react?

The first thing is not to lose your temper. Getting angry will only make your child withdraw into himself and prevent him from working through his Oedipus complex properly. Because that is the goal: to teach him about boundaries while also reassuring him. Leave absolutely no room for any ambiguity.

So, if your daughter tells you she will marry you when she grows up, do not let her cling to that idea. Simply tell her that she will have a boyfriend one day, and that your girlfriend is mummy. Repositioning each person's role is essential for helping him or her move through this stage of life with confidence.

In another scenario, if your son touches your chest or bottom whenever he gets the chance, gently redirect him. Simply telling him that we do not touch mummy in that way will be enough to make him understand.

Being united as parents to get through this period

Know that the strength of your relationship as a couple will be a great support for your child. By standing firm together, you reassure him even when you do not respond to his demands.

This is why it is important for you to accept that setting limits for your little one is a positive thing. But of course, you will do so with kindness and without ever punishing him.

It will also be wise to consistently support whichever parent is being targeted. This attitude will help your child grow, as he needs to witness the stability of his parents' relationship.

It is also important that you maintain moments of intimacy. The marital bed should remain yours alone. It is true that many parents give in when their child is unwell or has had a nightmare.

But here again, kind firmness is necessary. You could, for example, place a mattress next to your little patient's bed to reassure them. We appreciate that it is tiring and demanding. But it will help with your child's psychological development and give them all the tools they need to grow into a settled, well-adjusted adult.

And what if there is no mother or father — what happens then?

This stage will happen regardless. It does not have to involve a parent. In fact, a loving person within the child's circle can take the place of an absent father or mother.

A nanny or an uncle, for instance, can unknowingly help your little one through this stage. It is worth knowing, however, that grandparents are rarely chosen for this role, as age appears to be a subconscious barrier for young children.

The Oedipus complex: how do you know when it is over?

It is around the age of 6 that everything falls back into place. You will notice this through a newfound sense of modesty in your son or daughter. They will become embarrassed about being seen undressed, whereas before this did not bother them at all.

Having passed through this stage, they will have learnt that you cannot always have everything you want — and that this is simply part of life.